Update on my bro, dad, garden, support group, and ladybugs!

So I don’t know if I have posted on the progress of what has happened since I got in touch with my brother and dad.

For those who don’t know: I always knew I had a half brother, but never met him (except when I was a baby, apparently) and didn’t even really remember his name since my dad told me about him when I was about 7. As far as my dad goes, last time I saw him or talked to him was towards the end of my freshman year of high school. My dad was never really in my brother’s life either, but my brother got in touch with him after wanting to get to know his biological father and when they met, my dad told my brother about me and my sister, his half-sisters. He got in touch with us, I got in touch with my dad again through him… and here we are now.

Okay, so my brother came out here to Vegas with his two roommates to visit us! It was great meeting him and spending a few days together. We talk on a regular basis now, if not every day then about every other day, via texting, IMing online, and talking on the phone. We’ve learned quite a bit about each other in the short amount of time we know each other and are getting closer each day. I really love having a brother! Unfortunately I missed all the annoying growing-up experiences that apparently go along with having a brother. Ah well… He’s in my life now and it’s really great.

As for my dad, things are still a bit iffy. We have exchanged emails a few times and he recently got a MySpace and added my sister and I. He mentioned it would be nice if we came out to see him sometime this summer to catch up in person and all that. I think it would be nice, too, but I’d have to find time and find a way to get out there. We haven’t caught up that much, maybe there isn’t much to catch up on … I don’t know.

I definately would like to go see my brother again, so if we go to see our dad then I’d try and stop by to see him, too.

I think I already mentioned that having my brother in my life now has already altered my attitude towards men. I grew up in a house full of women, and have never really been around men regularly at any point in my life. When I was, they were negative experiences, such as with my mom’s abusive boyfriends and such. The only positive male figure I have ever had in my life is my Papa, and I’ve only started to get to know him in the last couple of years. But I don’t see guys as this whole other species anymore. I used to feel extremely disconnected from them, like they weren’t even people or something. Because I’ve never, ever known a guy closely. But getting to know my brother has started to change that. I feel more comfortable around guys and find it easier to just see them as another person. I know this all probably sounds really strange … but this is just how my experiences has been since I haven’t been around men my whole life. I mean, I have… but like I said, not closely, not intimately, not in a way that really impacted my life. I never really even had male friends. I played with my mom’s best friend’s sons when I was like ages 10 and under, until we moved out of state, but I was so young… it didn’t have a lasting impact as I grew up and “came of age”. So all my friends were always girls. I had one good male friend in 5th grade, but we didn’t keep in touch after going to middle school. There were lots of guys who were interested in me as I got older, but I never connected with them and always pushed them away, not giving them the time of day, even when I watend to, mostly just because I didn’t know how to.

So yeah, this has impacted my life in many positive ways. I hope that me further developing my relationship with my dad can continue this positive impact that getting in touch with my brother has started.

Besides that, my herb garden I tried to get going this year (again) has died (again). Like I told my brother yesterday, no plant is safe with me! And it’s quite sad, really. Because I really would love to have a garden and tend to them every day and dry herbs and learn about them and use them in cooking and magical applications. But I just can’t seem to keep a damn thing alive! The only thing I’ve been able to keep alive is a piece of bamboo my girlfriend bought me. And that was only on my second try. The orginal one died and I had to buy another one to put in the orginal container which I have managed to do well with.

I’m going to try and get serious this year about learning about herbs and taking care of plants. Hey… this just came to mind: I should look into taking some kind of 101 class at my college about gardening or something. That might help me out. Ya, I’ll look into that… but until then, I need to learn all I can about my specific interest in what I want to grow, so I can really do it right this next Spring. If anyone knows anything about gardening, specifically container gardening… let me know, please! I’d love to have someone to go to that I can ask specific questions and stuff.

Oh, unfortunately my summer class schedule interferes with me going to support group with D. I can’t believe I didn’t notice it when I scheduled the class. Last night she went without me for the first time. I hate missing it because I learn so much when I’m there, and I have gotten to be really interested and caring about the people there. She said last night was great, I’m so upset that I have to miss it… But I’ll be able to go for two weeks after the summer semseter is over, and then it’s off to Chicago to see my grandparents for three weeks. I’ll miss a TON duing that time! D: Oh well, what’s done is done…

That’s pretty much it for what’s going on in my life right now. There is a programe about Ladybugs that I want to take my niece to later on in the month. It’s called Lovely Ladybug, for kids 2-6 to learn about ladybugs, have hands-on experience with them and do a craft. She can misbehave sometimes, though, and I get nervous about that because I’m not her mother so I don’t know how to handle it. Her mother doesn’t even handle it that well, so where does that put me? I’d love to take her, but I’m a bit hesitant when I think about the possibility of her acting up how she does sometimes… But maybe she wouldn’t and she’d just enjoy it and it would be a good time. I guess there is no way to know unless we just go and find out. We’ll see…

Peace.

Crazy College Life

Finals are next week and that means big stress this week. Papers to write, reading to catch up on, studying to do, extra credit to knock out, et cetera, et cetera!

One of my professors suggested that when we are stressed and have a ton of things going on in our mind, to make a mind map of all the things we have going on. I tried it out and keep having to add stuff. It’s getting pretty spider web-ey, expanding out everywhere… But looking at it is kind of nice because it does actually help organize thoughts.

Then there are all the things that I’m wanting to do in my own personal life. Well I guess school is my personal life but… I mean, for my own personal interests. Anyway, exactly what I’m talking about are my other blogs/websites, one of which is a book review site for Pagan/Witchcraft texts. I only have one review on there so far and I have SO many more that I can and want to write up and post. I just don’t have the time to devote to that right now. So thank goodness I didn’t enroll for summer courses. Plus I got a book from my college library yesterday that discusses Witches, Wiccans and Pagans and I absolutely am loving it. It’s taking everything in me to not be reading that every minute of the day rather than getting my work done. I guess once I get that review website a bit more pulled together I will post a link directing everyone to it.

Till then, time to study!

Long lost family, found… !!!

Let us not get stuck on how long it’s been since I blogged or on lame excuses for why I haven’t.

I have a half brother “out there somewhere in the world”, son to my dad. We are two months apart, I was born in January, he was born two months earlier in November (yeah, pretty shitty). I’ve never known his name really except when my dad told me once when I was small but it takes hard thinking to remember. Never seen a picture.

My sister and I got messages in our MySpace inboxes two days ago, the subject reading, “Looking for my half sister…?” We freaked! Yup, it was him. My long-lost half brother, Johnathan. Apparently he and my dad made contact about a year ago and have been getting to know each other.

All this time I have been seriously wanting to get in contact with my dad. I’ve been doing random internet searches for him almost every month, and one time I even paid a very small fee for info (which turned out to be no help!). I did find my paternal grandparent’s phone number and have thought about calling them to get my dad’s contact info. But I haven’t found the guts to do it, because I know I would have the info and they’d tell him I contacted them and I’d be obligated to call him. And faced with the reality of getting what I want, I’m suddenly nervous about it and not sure if it’s what I really want…

Anyway, over their first lunch together my dad told Johnathan that he had two half sisters. Johnathan wanted to know more but my dad didn’t know what to tell him because he hasn’t seen us for six years! So Johnathan got our names from my dad again and did some searching of his own. He found us! What kind of upsets me is that really, if my dad cared, he could have found our information easily. My mom is listed. A quick google search pulls her up. But maybe he’s not computer savvy. Or maybe he doesn’t care. Or maybe…

Well, I’ll tell you this first: Johnathan told me that my dad saw our myspace profiles and was excited to see pictures of us. It’s weird knowing that he knows who I am now. I have definitely talked many times about how I’m afraid that my dad thinks we don’t like him and that’s why he’s given up. So we have me feeling like he doesn’t like me, and he feels like I don’t like him, and thus we haven’t seen or talked to each other is six years. Well, Johnathan comfirmed that I was right. My dad told him that he tried contacting us but he feels like my sister and I and/or my mom don’t like him and don’t want anything to do with him. I told Johnathan that couldn’t be further from the truth. This was all through email. Then we chatted and Johnathan told me, “hold on, I have a present for you.” He gave me my dad’s email! But my keyboard froze and I thought it was the computer so I shut everything down without saving the email. So I messaged Johnathan from the ipod and asked him to give my dad my info. We’ll see what happens…

As for Johnathan, he’s a really cool guy. He looks just like our little sister, Julia! Only he has facial hair and a longer, more masculine nose. He’s really laid back and goofy and introverted like Julia and I. Hopefully we will get to meet in person soon.

I’m so excited to be in contact with him now. I never expected to be, but I really have a brother now… We both were telling each other how we already feel close just knowing that one another is there. Like he said, it’s not like meeting any other person on the net who might reject you for some stupid reason. We’re family.

So that’s the big news in my life! Ta-da!

Drawing a Blank

I desperately want to blog, but I just don’t have anything to say. So sad…

It has taken me over two months to knit not one half of a scarf for my grandpa. And I have resigned myself to knitting the whole thing twice (because when I started knitting it, I didn’t know how to double knit). Who knows how long THAT will take. When I learned to double knit, I thought about tearing apart what I had already done on his scarf and re-doing it. With the weight of yarn I’m using, the whole thing knits up quite thin and won’t be very warm.

I’m now reconsidering ripping it out and re-doing it in double knitting so that it will be warmer naturally and to add some interest to knitting it. That’s why I’m not getting anything done on it, because I’m not interested… I think that if I double knit it, I could get it done faster … hell, I’d get it done at all. I’m practically making no process as of right now. TWO months to knit a simple freaking scarf! That’s the problem though; it’s too simple. Just a little ribbing, k3, p1. It’s also curling in at the sides which concerns me… maybe another reason to double knit. Maybe another reason to rip it out… but I’ve gotten SO MUCH done. I’ve never ripped out this much before. And it’s taken me so long to get this far… if I rip it out and start over, it might not be till next December that he gets it. Double knitting isn’t the fastest way to knit in the world either, but I guess it’s better to have a project for such a dear person be knit up with enthusasm rather than dispair at tending to a chore.

That’s what it feels like knitting this thing: a chore. No fun stitch patterns to work with, no interesting color changes. Just grey, all the way. SNORE.

I gotta figure something out…

I Wonder About Your Sex

Today I feel an intense need to write. Today I do not have a note-book with me. I write this in my local library on the back of my insurance policy which has been sitting in my bag for weeks, waiting to be put in my glove box.

 Something smells bad. I think I smell bad. I walked here and I wore this shirt last week.

 My mom was on the coputer at home so I actually came here tow rite. All of the 2-hour computers are booked for the day so I had to settle for a 1-hour computer.

 I can’t find any book I want to read.

 A strange man just walked by. He was older and short and seemed very slightly unbalanced mentally. The kind of person that gets on in the world fine but still seems like someone you should try and avoid having to speak with. Immediately I wondered what he’s like in bed. Oh no… now I’m wondering what everyone is like in bed.

 Sometimes I think about that. There are times when you’re in a room filled with a bunch of people and you can be reasonably certain that everyone in the room has had sex (not with each other, just in general). And I just wonder what they all look like naked, what kind of lover they are, when they lost thier virginity and what their feelings are regarding it, what the best sex was that they had and where’s the best or strangest place they’ve had sex. And I end up becoming particularly interested in one or a few individuals and I start wondering about all kinds of obscure things about their lives from there.

 I have two books in my lap but I’m not interested in either of them. I guess now I’ll go to my computer reservation and blog all this.

Snow in the Desert

It’s snowing here in Las Vegas today. Beautiful!

I grew up in southern California and we never saw snow. I was surprised when we moved here and we saw snow in December!t’s snowed about 3 of the 5 Decembers we’ve lived here. Never has it snowed this much, though. It’s been snowing non-stop for over half an hour now, although none of it is staying on the ground. I’m sure a bit further up the street it is sticking a bit, and definitely in the mountains.

While it’s a special and beautiful treat from for us in Vegas, others are getting the harsher side of this aspect of nature.  I’ve been up since 6:30 this morning watching  TV (still recovering from an illness I was struck with two days ago) and have seen the reports of the horrible weather and the damage it’s caused over East and in New England, and in fact even Westward here up in Oregon.

Wiccans like to focus on the more lovely side of Nature, on her beauty and “light”, but there is a more harsh, dark side  that needs to be remembered, respected and honrored too. Today reminds me of that, and I think it’s an important thing to try and keep in mind.